Alhamdulillah, this is my first Ramadhan with a baby. Insyirah is now 10 months old. 2 months to a year, in shaa Allah! In the past, before Insyirah, I had many goals. I made sure that I volunteered as much as I could. I went for terawih prayers at a mosque. I even performed I’tikaaf.
Nowadays, I. Just. Can’t. During the first week of Ramadhan, Insyirah and I were down with the flu. She was absolutely miserable. She kept coughing and crying. Her eyes were bloodshot. I had to hold her in my arms all night to comfort her and make her sleep. Needless to say, I felt and looked like a zombie. I was exhausted. On top of that, the doctor told me to keep breastfeeding so that she would get better. When I realized that I wasn’t producing much milk, I stopped fasting.
I felt weird. I felt guilty. I felt defeated. I’ve never experienced Ramadhan like this before. I asked myself ‘Am I doing enough? Should I be doing more? Can I do anything better?’
Do you feel this way too?
The truth is that God is infinitely kind. He is the Most Merciful, Most Compassionate. He intends for us ease and does not intend for us hardship. I shouldn’t compare my journey with others. God entrusted Insyirah to me. When I take care of her, I am serving Him too.
So don’t you worry, my dear. Allah knows. Not a leaf falls but that He knows it. He knows how your back hurts. He sees you cleaning vomit for the umpteenth time. He knows every drop of milk that you feed to your baby. He sees every diaper you change. He knows when you struggle to get up, to hug your child who is sick. He sees you trying your best to fast, and then breaking it because you need to breastfeed. He knows when you sob by yourself because you’re so overwhelmed by it all. He knows that you’re not ungrateful; you don’t love your baby any less just because you admit that you’re exhausted.
It counts. It all counts. Forgive yourself. You’re doing the best you can. You are enough. ❤